I think in 10, 15 years from now I'll look back and think "Wow, I didn't have a clue. Things are pretty good now and they could have been then, if only I hadn't worried so much." So I need to get real. And stop worrying about relationships, getting old, my debt. It will be taken care of. And as far as getting old, I really need to start believing that you're only as old as you let yourself feel. I look around and see these older people, in their drab boring clothing and with their drab boring hair with their drab boring conversations that consist of weddings and children and I think "Ugh, it seems like the life has been sucked out of them!" You don't need to be like that when you get older. Stay the same. Or get better. It seriously doesn't have to happen like that. But about talking only of weddings and children and topics that you are a stick-in-the-mud about, I hear that all the time - at work, and with my family. I love to hear talk about exciting things they've done or want to do or are doing! Not the mundane monotonous topics. But I have to get real and realize that this is how it is here. I will move to another place where discussions about weddings and babies are much much fewer and where people's minds are much more open.
By the by, I tend to stay away from people who are notorious for bringing up the "W and B" talk. I'm really not in a place to be hearing that so much. And trust me, I hear it a lot. I've been worried about finding a husband and settling down even before I got out! It's because these past 2 years or so I've been hearing about weddings so dang often I can't help but think "Well when will I get married?!" And then I kinda harp on that. And it is no fun. And I cannot get away from this talk, but I sure want to. I will. Someday. Someday not too far. 2 years. I can do this.

Ok so this is going to be a pretty serious post. It's hard to find the words to start. I just don't really know what's going on, but I can tell you that I feel very very out of place. And I can tell you why I think I am. That might turn into an autobiography so I'll try to keep it short. Well what do I care? No one will read this. Yes, I am going to indulge my self-pity tonight. I try all day every day to keep it at bay. So here it goes. I feel out of place in this town. I feel out of place at my job. I feel out of place with my friends. I feel out of place in my own family. I feel out of place in this world. I think one of the underlying problems is that because I feel out of place, I worry. And because I worry of my being out of place and out of what is meant for me and my life (or maybe I just keep getting impatient) I wish this was all over. I wish I was in what they call "the afterlife." I want to be with my Creator and Savior. I don't understand this place, and because I have to be here I just want to keep it simple. But because of choices I have made and deep desires of mine, it is not so simple. All I want is to live with and close to people who I can share my love with and who want to share their love with me. If I felt like I had that love then the problems in my life would be small and insignificant. But I cannot find that where I am in my life. I've been told that the people in Lancaster, PA are hard to get to know. They have tough exteriors. Well I've found that not only is this true, but they have tough interiors. It seems as though their hearts are hardened. I have been around this my whole life! I need to get away from it. My mother, my father, my brother, my friends all seem to be tough cookies. I am not like them in that way. And I can't even have a deep personal conversation with them or anyone else here without feeling like I am talking to a wall. I try all I can to get on the same page with them but it just doesn't work. I just want love in my life. I just want one person to love me and think that I'm pretty awesome and when I'm not there they might miss me sometimes. I know that my mom loves me. She misses me sometimes. I'm not sure for what reasons. She won't make that clear. And she doesn't share positive feelings. If there is something wrong (which seems to be most of the time) she will share it with you if you persist and then that makes me sad that she is so unhappy with her life. But with the possible exception of my mom, I can't say that there is anyone that may love me like that. They sure don't give me enough reasons to think so. When I try to let people know that I care and maybe that I think they're pretty awesome, I usually get something along the lines of a cold shoulder. If I make a phone call just to catch up (which, trust me, because I'm not much of a phone-talker, I only will do with people I think are awesome) and I don't get any sort of response to that, I assume, naturally, that they don't want to respond. And that hurts. I hate to have to admit it. But this happens too often to me. I've grown up in an environment that doesn't have much tolerance for "wussiness" (insecurities) so all of the insecurities that I have had in my life I've had to fill myself. I've had to tell myself I'm not this and I am that with very very little to no affirmation from anyone else. I've never had any consistent positive affirmation. I have had consistent negative affirmation. One of the symptoms of that was my anorexia. I could go into that more but I'd rather not right now. But I must say that the only positive affirmation I've ever gotten from my family is when they believe I'm in dire straits. It's not something freely given. You almost have to get worked up to get it. I believe I've been majorly affected by this. I'm still getting over it - the proof is in this post. And yes I know Sufjan (I'm listening to him now on my iPod) that it's strange that I perpetuate myself and I know that I can take it to the Lord and that's all that I know to be true but how do I totally let this go? Why doesn't the Lord bring people into my life to show me love? I've been plagued with this my whole life and the worst of it I believe has been the past 6 months or so. I've been feeling very alone. I really just want to be loved and have love and I am not feeling it so much any more from my Father. And how I realize that just makes me feel all the more alone. I've talked to my mom about this, but not in such detail (because I don't think she would understand me or even try) and I've told her that I feel I need to leave this town. I need to be surrounded by people I can relate to, people I fit in with. People who like to have fun. People who feel no shame in encouraging another, and just loving another, and not with the assumption that what I do for them is always enough to show them my love, but just how I am around and the words I choo
se to say show them that. I say this because I know my mom has done a lot for me. I know she loves me because of that. But I see a difference in the sort of "obligated" love and the true sense of the word. See, my dad I truly believe, has an obligatory love for me. Through past experiences, past conversations, even gifts he chooses to give me, I feel that he only feels obligated to love me as he is the father this girl/(and even further removed)woman. Not that he wants to be around me and learn about me and care for me (I could go on). So I'm not sure where my mother's obligatory love ends and the real love begins. Is the real love deep? Or is that the obligatory love? I even see God's love as obligatory. He made me, He must love me. I have a hard time with believing He loves me because it's me. I have a hard time believing Jesus would die all over again for me. I just need someone in my life that has no obligation to love me, but does anyway. I so want to love so many people. I don't feel like anyone really includes me in their love. Maybe some day. And I think all the time upon why I can't have that now. What is the meaning of life? Love! Why don't I have it?

P.S. I am in love with Pittsburgh.

Pastor Rod White's Blog - good stuff

These past several months I've been trying hard to work on being intentional about things - particularly how I interact with people. I believe I've been making progress with interacting the way God wants me to interact. It's definitely a difficult thing for me. But recently I've been beginning to see that maybe I've been thinking on this too hard. I've been finding that I'm not my generally energetic and silly self so much when I'm analyzing almost all of what I say, and how that may have come across to another - or what another had said to me. I've been thinking on this, and thinking on how people seem to gravitate towards me more when I am someone who seems to want to talk to and spend time with them. Makes sense, right? I feel more aloof when I analyze, or dare I say over-analyze. I'm thinking now that God is telling me that I don't need to burden myself so much with all of this. He wants me to be who He created me to be. He loves me regardless of all my shortcomings and flaws and failures. He lives in me therefore I am growing and learning in the meantime (which is absolutely true!). I need to bring myself back. I've also had two friends of mine tell me recently that they like me when I'm energetic and silly. It brightens their day :-). And that brightens mine <3.

Lord,
I think I have it all wrong. I pray for your will to be done, then I complain to you about what's going on in my life. And I ask, "why did this have to happen" after I told you I knew your time is not my time and after I asked for the grace to be patient through this. When will I learn that I must go through these little trials and that this is your will? Lord, please help me lose mine. I get wrapped up in the things I want. Please show me mercy, Lord, though I forget all too often how much you love me. Enable me to see what you want for me so that I can show you all the more glory.
Through Christ,
Kristin

"And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him." (Deuteronomy 4:29)
(This is Moses speaking to the Israelites about how it would be/what they would have to do if they break their covenant with God [reject the LORD]).

Amazing how things are so much clearer for me. It all fits together. It's awesome. The Bible - I suggest it.

Changing tunes slightly, I've been praying to God to help me see the truth. I had been in a "cocoon." This cocoon had been profoundly encapsulating me for years now, but I decided it would figure itself out...or someday I would put in the effort to get myself out. Well I guess I was right about the latter part because that day came. But anyway, my thought process was "How do I know that God exists? How can I make sure that what I've been previously told doesn't influence my conclusion? If God does exist and Jesus is the Christ, why wouldn't this loving God show me he is real by having a relationship with me? How can I know this relationship isn't a self-constructed reality?"
I had been wondering if He heard me. And well, He has heard me! I had a breakdown from all this running through my mind all the time, every day (and listening to mewithoutYou). That night I asked God more sincerely and honestly than I ever had asked for anything to show me the truth, to make me trust in Him completely.
The next night my mom told me of these - now I was skeptical - these lessons collectively called The Truth Project. There was a conference at a local church on this which I was glad I couldn't make it to. Let me remind you, I was skeptical, and I didn't want to have to weed out more biased information on my journey to a conclusion on God. Well soon enough my mother was watching the DVD set of these lessons one day when I came home from work. I was curious and sat down to watch. I was very surprised that this dude - Dr. Del Tackett - was coming at all this in a very...philosophical way. Very logically deductive. Needless to say, I strongly recommend watching these lessons. The format is that this dude is teaching (I would like to use the word "discussing," but this dude has a doctorate and is standing in front of students, so I deem "teaching" appropriate) a class on the who, what, when, where, and why of God and of Christianity and teaching the who, what, when, where and why of the opposite side. I am a very much a stickler for logic and reason. And the (seemingly) ironic part of this is that God makes perfect sense. Of course He does!
Up until lately, it seemed fairly, kinda sorta, clearish foggyish that God was working in my life. The problem was that I couldn't see it because I didn't wholy believe that He could because I didn't wholy believe that He existed. And I was definitely not going to just allow myself to believe in something when I knew that was what I wanted to believe in. See, it's clear that people have a strong tendency to believe and/or "know" what makes them feel good, what brings them comfort. And I didn't want this. I want to know THE TRUTH, whatever that may be. I talk to God, and he hears me because he answers me. Maybe not on my time (I like instant), but it is soon enough. He does what I ask and he does what he says he'll do.
So anyway, long story short - think and put some effort behind it!, read the Bible, watch The Truth Project. I have it if you want to borrow it. Just ask.

I feel compelled to blog again, yet I have no idea what about at the moment. I'll keep typing and hopefully something will come up. I know I have things to discuss with the non-existant audience that is the internet...........

Well I hate to be a bummer but I did want to mention this experience I had at Starbucks the other day. I was sitting with my friend Derek, enjoying our hot + cold beverages when a man came in the shop who was clearly homeless. I started to ponder about this scenario, when a Starbucks barista went over to the man with a coffee and a chocolate chip cookie. She told him they were from "the woman in the red coat" (this woman had by now left the shop). I was pleased at this spectacle, until I heard the man say that he didn't want it. He wanted a green tea instead. He wanted a green tea instead?? Wow. I heard him and the barista discussing "spreads" as well and then noticed she took back the coffee and the cookie. This leads me to believe that he wanted something instead of the cookie as well. Now this became a conundrum for me. I believe that when someone could use some help or some benevolent act we should not judge or criticize, but offer our assistance. However, in this situation the dude was clearly was taking advantage of this kind woman (who, I'm assuming, thinks positively on the situation since she was not there to hear of the man complain of her gift) and this guy was not grateful or appreciative, clearly.
This bothered me for a day or two. Then I remembered something I should not have forgotten: no one sins against another person. People sin against God. And God deals with that. Therefore, however much this would bother me personally (if I had been the one to be so kind) I just have to keep doing what is right. It's not my place to deal with others' sins. God is great, isn't He?

I think that is all I have to say for now. I'm sure I'll blog again soon.
Peace!