Ok so this is going to be a pretty serious post. It's hard to find the words to start. I just don't really know what's going on, but I can tell you that I feel very very out of place. And I can tell you why I think I am. That might turn into an autobiography so I'll try to keep it short. Well what do I care? No one will read this. Yes, I am going to indulge my self-pity tonight. I try all day every day to keep it at bay. So here it goes. I feel out of place in this town. I feel out of place at my job. I feel out of place with my friends. I feel out of place in my own family. I feel out of place in this world. I think one of the underlying problems is that because I feel out of place, I worry. And because I worry of my being out of place and out of what is meant for me and my life (or maybe I just keep getting impatient) I wish this was all over. I wish I was in what they call "the afterlife." I want to be with my Creator and Savior. I don't understand this place, and because I have to be here I just want to keep it simple. But because of choices I have made and deep desires of mine, it is not so simple. All I want is to live with and close to people who I can share my love with and who want to share their love with me. If I felt like I had that love then the problems in my life would be small and insignificant. But I cannot find that where I am in my life. I've been told that the people in Lancaster, PA are hard to get to know. They have tough exteriors. Well I've found that not only is this true, but they have tough interiors. It seems as though their hearts are hardened. I have been around this my whole life! I need to get away from it. My mother, my father, my brother, my friends all seem to be tough cookies. I am not like them in that way. And I can't even have a deep personal conversation with them or anyone else here without feeling like I am talking to a wall. I try all I can to get on the same page with them but it just doesn't work. I just want love in my life. I just want one person to love me and think that I'm pretty awesome and when I'm not there they might miss me sometimes. I know that my mom loves me. She misses me sometimes. I'm not sure for what reasons. She won't make that clear. And she doesn't share positive feelings. If there is something wrong (which seems to be most of the time) she will share it with you if you persist and then that makes me sad that she is so unhappy with her life. But with the possible exception of my mom, I can't say that there is anyone that may love me like that. They sure don't give me enough reasons to think so. When I try to let people know that I care and maybe that I think they're pretty awesome, I usually get something along the lines of a cold shoulder. If I make a phone call just to catch up (which, trust me, because I'm not much of a phone-talker, I only will do with people I think are awesome) and I don't get any sort of response to that, I assume, naturally, that they don't want to respond. And that hurts. I hate to have to admit it. But this happens too often to me. I've grown up in an environment that doesn't have much tolerance for "wussiness" (insecurities) so all of the insecurities that I have had in my life I've had to fill myself. I've had to tell myself I'm not this and I am that with very very little to no affirmation from anyone else. I've never had any consistent positive affirmation. I have had consistent negative affirmation. One of the symptoms of that was my anorexia. I could go into that more but I'd rather not right now. But I must say that the only positive affirmation I've ever gotten from my family is when they believe I'm in dire straits. It's not something freely given. You almost have to get worked up to get it. I believe I've been majorly affected by this. I'm still getting over it - the proof is in this post. And yes I know Sufjan (I'm listening to him now on my iPod) that it's strange that I perpetuate myself and I know that I can take it to the Lord and that's all that I know to be true but how do I totally let this go? Why doesn't the Lord bring people into my life to show me love? I've been plagued with this my whole life and the worst of it I believe has been the past 6 months or so. I've been feeling very alone. I really just want to be loved and have love and I am not feeling it so much any more from my Father. And how I realize that just makes me feel all the more alone. I've talked to my mom about this, but not in such detail (because I don't think she would understand me or even try) and I've told her that I feel I need to leave this town. I need to be surrounded by people I can relate to, people I fit in with. People who like to have fun. People who feel no shame in encouraging another, and just loving another, and not with the assumption that what I do for them is always enough to show them my love, but just how I am around and the words I choo
se to say show them that. I say this because I know my mom has done a lot for me. I know she loves me because of that. But I see a difference in the sort of "obligated" love and the true sense of the word. See, my dad I truly believe, has an obligatory love for me. Through past experiences, past conversations, even gifts he chooses to give me, I feel that he only feels obligated to love me as he is the father this girl/(and even further removed)woman. Not that he wants to be around me and learn about me and care for me (I could go on). So I'm not sure where my mother's obligatory love ends and the real love begins. Is the real love deep? Or is that the obligatory love? I even see God's love as obligatory. He made me, He must love me. I have a hard time with believing He loves me because it's me. I have a hard time believing Jesus would die all over again for me. I just need someone in my life that has no obligation to love me, but does anyway. I so want to love so many people. I don't feel like anyone really includes me in their love. Maybe some day. And I think all the time upon why I can't have that now. What is the meaning of life? Love! Why don't I have it?

P.S. I am in love with Pittsburgh.