Ho Hum

I'm sitting here on the couch, trying to plan out how to rearrange my room, however inconsequential these plans may be. Since getting back from Jo's, I've been revived with the strong desire to move out again. Whoop. This ain't gon happen any time soon, yo. But I'm trying yet again to rearrange my room in order to make use of every inch of space I can call mine even though I don't pay for it. Ugh the lack of accomplishment! But I must be patient. But I've been patient. I miss being completely responsible for myself. I just can't afford to do that right now. That is, unless I plan to drop out of school and work at a crummy job the rest of my life. I have better plans for myself. Ok enough complaining. I know a lot of my friends feel the same way.
I've really begun to enjoy knitting recently. I'm kind of addicted to it. I made a few scarves, and now I'm working on a hat...a beanie to be precise. It was supposed to be more of a beret-type...but gimme a break, cut me some slack here bud. I've just started this stuff. :-P I'll probably post some pictures as soon as I'm really proud of what I've done/not too lazy to do so. Who reads this anyway? Jo? Oh yes, Hi Jo! :-D

School starts Wednesday for me. Gym! and Anatomy + Physiology II! It'll be easy. I just want to get into clinicals though. We shall seeee!! :-)
Ok I'll get back to my floorplans.

tats

So, on reading Jo's blog, I decided to also post some pictures of tattoo ideas. I believe I have a pretty good idea of what I'd like. I want a realistic-like cross on my right shoulder blade (scapula if you will). This might look a little plain, so I'm thinkin I would need something else with it, either a nifty background or some other Jesus symbol. Any ideas? Hit me up!

Here's some pics:


That's all I could find on "wooden crosses." I would like some color somehow, possibly red...not sure.

Kind of a Biography?

This past year has been crazy. Actually scratch that. It's probably more like almost 4 years that have been crazy. I've had the highest highs and definitely the lowest lows of my life in that time period. So much has happened, and I've learned so much from every bit of it. Throughout the lows, sometimes I couldn't see the light. Sometimes I didn't believe that there was any light at all. I had to deal with things the way they were up until August of '07. That was my breaking point. That's when things started to change for me, albeit slowly.
Up until August, I kept finding myself in bad circumstances. I tried to learn from them, however according to my actions I obviously hadn't. I did some things to try to cover up the pain and the loneliness that felt like a hazy fog around me. I couldn't really see what I was doing and honestly, I didn't want to. I knew I wouldn't be happy with myself if I looked objectively at my actions. It blanketed the pain, and that's all I was asking for.
Keeping this up, I decided I'd move to Atlanta to go to school for photojournalism. Mainly, I felt like I needed to get away. But the bad circumstances and actions on my part kept coming.
Bad had gotten better, then had gotten worse....then even worse. By the time of August 2007, I had finally found myself in a great predicament that forced me to look pretty hard at my life. Now before I go on, I want to say that I always had considered myself a Christian, even at this point. But what I thought that entailed, I wasn't sure. My fuzzy knowledge of Christianity had only gotten worse. I had fallen pretty far from God. I didn't believe He had much, if anything, to offer me anymore. However, I started praying again in July. I didn't know what was ahead but I knew I needed help. I didn't know what to do, and I honestly didn't have many options. But soon I had found myself in this predicament. I made the decision to leave. Things had gotten so out of hand that I needed to call, bawling, and ask my mom to come down and get me out of the place I left for to find refuge.
In a few days, mom and my brother came down with an SUV and money at hand to rescue me from what I had gotten myself into. Needless to say, I felt terrible. I felt pathetic. I knew I needed to kick things into gear.
Within a week of being back in Pennsylvania, I had my old job back and was looking for a new career path. I decided to go back to school for dental hygiene. This is the point in my life when I finally started to think rationally. I was planning to work and save up money and head back in a year, the next fall. However, things started rolling and I went back in January.
Obviously, things weren't easy. I had a lot of deal with. I had a lot to change and I knew it. Some of the old feelings I had that I left to avoid began to uncover. I started trying to seriously, honestly, and sincerely build a relationship with God. I don't know what exactly propelled me to start this journey, but I can rest assured that the major kick in the butt & reality check helped. Also, I had been involved in some deep conversations, and I can't help but thank God putting me through what I need to be put through, and for ushering me along during this process.
I started reading more of the Bible and praying more than I ever had, more sincerely than I ever had. I started to feel a connection happening. Feelings of self-doubt, self-pity, confusion, and loneliness were starting to dissipate. My biggest issues were figuring out exactly who I wanted to be, and how to become that.
In January, I was back in school, but I lacked close friendships. My best friend was away at college, and the majority of my friends I had lost contact with. Those of whom I hadn't, had lost a sense of closeness since I had been away for a while. I also had some issues with trust that I had to overcome.
Nevertheless, in March, I started to hang out with my good friends from high school. I hadn't realized how much I needed them. But with these friends came a certain "friend group." And with this came a lot of the issues that had plagued me and propelled me to leave in the first place. At this point, I had a what I would call a semi-decent relationship with God through Jesus that I knew I could handle it. I knew I was evolving and this was another step to overcome. It took some time, but I did it.
That semester I worked really hard at school, unlike I ever had. I finally saw a reason for it. I finally had a goal. I achieved a 4.0 GPA, and kept that up over the summer semester. My friendships were solidifying, and so was my relationship with God. I started to going to church again.
It feels like it's been a long journey and, well, it has. But I can be nothing but grateful for the opportunities for improvement that I have been given. After the situations I have overcome, I can easily spot my life's hurdles and realize how to overcome them. My sense of reason has been established and I can now look objectively at these hurdles and through the help of the Holy Spirit overcome them and evolve. Now, of course I do not have it all together. I'm learning. I'll always be learning, and I thank God for that. But now I do see the light.

<3

So I'm just writing this one because I'm bored. I don't even know what I'm going to write about but I know something'll come......do do doo doo.....dododoodo..........fofdododoodododododod

Oook enough of that. I've been making my bed lately. I'm proud of myself. I never saw the need to do it, rationally. Now I'm beginning to see it from a different perspective. It's sooo nice to crawl into a fresh, cozy bed with the sheets pulled tight. I think I've been sleeping better, actually. Of course, it may just be psychological....but I'm stickin to it.

So all this talk about needing a vacation and I think I'm going to take one - the 1st week on January. My friends are getting married on the 3rd in Indiana so I figured I'd take some time off to go, and while I'm on my way stop and see my friend in Pittsburgh. I've never been out that way. It should be a fun experience. I could even go out and see......well I'm not sure what exactly there is to see, but if I have a couple extra days I could go see something, haha. Ah yes the Great Lakes! Always wanted to see one or some of those. I gotta look at a map here. Don't judge me, I haven't been out there before :-P. Wow I could hit up a bunch of cities: Chicago, Grand Rapids, Detroit, Ann Arbor, Toledo, Cleveland, Pittsburgh. Heck yes! I am excited! Now let's see how this all pans out. Lemme get workin on this.....
byes!

I am stressed. Let me repeat that: I AM STRESSED! Maybe this is all kinda like the snowball effect, but I'm stressed about the semester ending 1st off. Then I'm worried about where my life is headed. Then I'm worried about friends & relationships and how they're staying alive (or not evolving), about money, about family, about God, and I'm sure I could go on but I will try to spare you.
With this semester ending, that brings stress about final grades. Everything I do now really matters. Before I had the mentality that I will try my best, but if that's not good enough I can make it up later. Well you know how it goes I'm sure. Later IS now! I need to get A's in micro and A&P so that I can make it into dental hygiene. If I can't make it into dental hygiene then I'll have to change my major and go to school, live at home, work at WV for another couple of years. Oh, and dig myself deeper into debt.

Yesterday I had a good day. I had my first day off from school and work for a long time. I went to Roots to hang with my family. The women there always make me feel pretty (mostly because they tell me) and that is a huge self esteem boost. I am never, ever validated except for those women (and my g-ma) so that means a lot to me. Actually, one woman my mother works with told my mom that she wants to hook me up with her son. That made me feel pretty good. Apparently she will tell him to look me up on facebook. I doubt he'll message me, because I doubt he'll find me attractive. I'm never anyone's type.
So this great day that I had yesterday I'm blaming for this shitty day today. I was feeling pretty good about myself, and now I'm down on myself. I'm blaming myself and my bad luck for my troubles. Two people lied to me yesterday. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't let it get to me so much. But today, it's making me feel like an undesirable person - someone who deserves to be lied to. Maybe I am.
This being in your 20's thing blows. High school blew. This blows. I can only logically conclude that things will continue to blow. I do feel like I'm making some progress in general however. I do have my setbacks, such as days like today. I just want to sit with a close friend and talk for hours...with coffee.....and Jo.

The time is finally approaching! The time where I can sit back and relax and hang with friends!! Ahh yes! I have missed it so. This past week has been brutal. Since Monday I've had either work or school and have had 5 tests to study for. Not to mention the usual homework. So here's how it's going. Monday - school & test, Tuesday - work, Wednesday - school, Thursday - work, Friday - school & 2 tests, Saturday - work, Sunday - work, Monday - school & 2 tests, Tuesday - OFF!, Wednesday - test. I should mention that the days I work are 8 hour days and all but one are 10-6 shifts. Tomorrow (Sunday) I work 7-3 then home to study for my two tests on Monday! Ok I think I've successfully gotten you to pity me (or not). Now I should stop.
I still have a boat load of things to get done! But this week I should be able to get most, if not all, of that done.

I've been really itchin to move out again lately. It sucks. I just want my own space again. My own bathroom, kitchen, living room, balcony, yard, and whatnot. More is better of course. I have stuff. I have no where for most of this stuff. I'll want to buy more stuff to fill the more abundant space as well. I'll see a picture of a room in a mag or something (prob not a mag cuz I don't read mags) and I'll say "that's what my kitchen will look like!" And then a problem arises. I'm struggling to afford this place in the first place, how am I going to keep buying all these pretty things to make my home someplace I really want to come home to. Oh my I'm getting into it again. Well you see, I've had this problem already. I was out on my own, struggling to afford it and all the while wanting a pretty home. I just gotta put my hope in God that all of this will take care of itself in one way or another.
I can't make my room here what I want it to be because it's too small. I have things I would love to keep in my room. I want a little lounge area too. No can do in this space.

This Is Quite Difficult

I know it's hard to believe, but I've been feeling a lot of emotions lately. Nostalgic, often. Alone, mostly. Confused, almost always. Sometimes I think I might have stumbled upon the right mindset/viewpoint/attitude but that quickly fades out as a new unwelcome thought finds its way in. I'm trying to figure it all out. I know well enough that I won't...ever....but isn't that what we're supposed to do in this life? Try to figure it out and become someone you know you can't ever possibly become?
What a terrible conundrum.

There is nothing for which I'm responsible.
Just this baggage I keep carrying on,
As if I had someone.

Maybe there's a woman somewhere,
Who's still thinking of me.
A girl with coal black hair,
Who's haunted in her dreams.
By what they've seen, but it wasn't me.
It's just some lie, they slept beside.
Yeah I kept this from them,
But I can't keep this from you.

So will you look for me, in that strange bright place,
Where the statues bloom in the park.
They don't need no brain.
Cause how I ever got to you, I have no idea.
It's like some secret door, well it just appeared.
So, no matter what I do from now on with my time
You will always stay here, in my mind.
I'm certain of this, and I'm not certain of anything.

So, I wanna get myself attached to something bolted down.
So these winds of circumstance won't keep blowin' me around.
From when I land to when I leave:
There's not enough time to sleep and sing.
I keep running around and all I want is to lay motionless.