"And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him." (Deuteronomy 4:29)
(This is Moses speaking to the Israelites about how it would be/what they would have to do if they break their covenant with God [reject the LORD]).

Amazing how things are so much clearer for me. It all fits together. It's awesome. The Bible - I suggest it.

Changing tunes slightly, I've been praying to God to help me see the truth. I had been in a "cocoon." This cocoon had been profoundly encapsulating me for years now, but I decided it would figure itself out...or someday I would put in the effort to get myself out. Well I guess I was right about the latter part because that day came. But anyway, my thought process was "How do I know that God exists? How can I make sure that what I've been previously told doesn't influence my conclusion? If God does exist and Jesus is the Christ, why wouldn't this loving God show me he is real by having a relationship with me? How can I know this relationship isn't a self-constructed reality?"
I had been wondering if He heard me. And well, He has heard me! I had a breakdown from all this running through my mind all the time, every day (and listening to mewithoutYou). That night I asked God more sincerely and honestly than I ever had asked for anything to show me the truth, to make me trust in Him completely.
The next night my mom told me of these - now I was skeptical - these lessons collectively called The Truth Project. There was a conference at a local church on this which I was glad I couldn't make it to. Let me remind you, I was skeptical, and I didn't want to have to weed out more biased information on my journey to a conclusion on God. Well soon enough my mother was watching the DVD set of these lessons one day when I came home from work. I was curious and sat down to watch. I was very surprised that this dude - Dr. Del Tackett - was coming at all this in a very...philosophical way. Very logically deductive. Needless to say, I strongly recommend watching these lessons. The format is that this dude is teaching (I would like to use the word "discussing," but this dude has a doctorate and is standing in front of students, so I deem "teaching" appropriate) a class on the who, what, when, where, and why of God and of Christianity and teaching the who, what, when, where and why of the opposite side. I am a very much a stickler for logic and reason. And the (seemingly) ironic part of this is that God makes perfect sense. Of course He does!
Up until lately, it seemed fairly, kinda sorta, clearish foggyish that God was working in my life. The problem was that I couldn't see it because I didn't wholy believe that He could because I didn't wholy believe that He existed. And I was definitely not going to just allow myself to believe in something when I knew that was what I wanted to believe in. See, it's clear that people have a strong tendency to believe and/or "know" what makes them feel good, what brings them comfort. And I didn't want this. I want to know THE TRUTH, whatever that may be. I talk to God, and he hears me because he answers me. Maybe not on my time (I like instant), but it is soon enough. He does what I ask and he does what he says he'll do.
So anyway, long story short - think and put some effort behind it!, read the Bible, watch The Truth Project. I have it if you want to borrow it. Just ask.

I feel compelled to blog again, yet I have no idea what about at the moment. I'll keep typing and hopefully something will come up. I know I have things to discuss with the non-existant audience that is the internet...........

Well I hate to be a bummer but I did want to mention this experience I had at Starbucks the other day. I was sitting with my friend Derek, enjoying our hot + cold beverages when a man came in the shop who was clearly homeless. I started to ponder about this scenario, when a Starbucks barista went over to the man with a coffee and a chocolate chip cookie. She told him they were from "the woman in the red coat" (this woman had by now left the shop). I was pleased at this spectacle, until I heard the man say that he didn't want it. He wanted a green tea instead. He wanted a green tea instead?? Wow. I heard him and the barista discussing "spreads" as well and then noticed she took back the coffee and the cookie. This leads me to believe that he wanted something instead of the cookie as well. Now this became a conundrum for me. I believe that when someone could use some help or some benevolent act we should not judge or criticize, but offer our assistance. However, in this situation the dude was clearly was taking advantage of this kind woman (who, I'm assuming, thinks positively on the situation since she was not there to hear of the man complain of her gift) and this guy was not grateful or appreciative, clearly.
This bothered me for a day or two. Then I remembered something I should not have forgotten: no one sins against another person. People sin against God. And God deals with that. Therefore, however much this would bother me personally (if I had been the one to be so kind) I just have to keep doing what is right. It's not my place to deal with others' sins. God is great, isn't He?

I think that is all I have to say for now. I'm sure I'll blog again soon.
Peace!

it moves me

So for the past week or so I have been listening to this song a few times a day. I feel like I almost need to. It moves me every time. It's awesome. And I mean awesome. Here's the part that moves me:




In darkness a light shines on me.
In darkness a light shines on you.
I never gathered figs from a thorny branch
I never picked a grape off a bramble bush
For the past five, almost six years now
You haven't once looked at me with kindness in your eyes
And you say Judas is a brother of mine?
Oh brother, sister in our darkness a light shines!
And all I ever want to say for the rest of my life
Is how the light is God
And through I've been mistaken on this or that point,
That light is God.


Here are the rest of the lyrics because they too, are awesome:

Without a queen the locust swarm
Turned the ground to black,
Descending like a shadowy tower upon a fish's back.
And scattered the sticks who crawled
Like snakes in the sand,
As the red clay took the form of a lizard,
Who rushed like a moth to the flame of my open hand

(My little world...in my sad little world...)

Then a speckled bird humbly inspired
Ran across the road when it could have flown,
And it made me smile.
And at the water's edge, Babylon;
As we lay and slept,
The river wept for you, Zion!
The stones cry out,
Bells shake the sky!
All of creation groans...

SHHHH!

Listen to it!

Messes of men in farmer poverty;
Not much for monks, but we pretend to be;
Share a silent meal and a pot of chamomile.
Gypsies like us should be stamped in solidarity.
And I held you in my fond but distant memory,
While waiting for the Mother Hen to gather me,
Who regretfully wrote:

"You have a decent ear for notes,
But you can't yet appreciate harmony"

O porcupine, low in the tree; your eyes to mine:

"You'd be well inclined not to mess with me."

And at the garden's edge beneath a speechless sky,
As his friends slept,
Jesus wept - and it's no wonder why.
You wanna be set free?
You wanna set me free?!
Well that can only come from
A union with the One Who Never Dies.

[In my little world, in my sad little world, I patched a plaster wall, in my little world.
In my little world, I was waiting, just dying to take offense at something, in my little world
In my little world, in my sad little world
This is all there is in my little world.]


"O, Porcupine" - mewithoutYou

me without You

I'm still online. I got to looking up mewithoutYou's songs on songmeanings.com. Some of the posts on there kind of upset me, actually. It's kind of of disgusting to me to see someone's expression of their difficulties and troubles on their path to God being discussed like that. I understand that those who posted those comments that I find to be disrespectful probably don't know what they're doing. Maybe they do. I don't know, but I know I shouldn't judge them or worry about it.
But I googled "Aaron Weiss interview" to dispell some of the things I have read. I don't even know what to say about him because I understand that he doesn't want anything to feed into his ego or for anyone to praise him, but to give glory to God for gaining anything from his lyrics & mewithoutYou's music. However, I can't express my thoughts on the band with any other word but "love." ....ok maybe "awesome." ..."amazing." Alright I could go on but I won't. I understand that the glory is to go to God, but mewithoutYou is definitely a powerful instrument in my relationship with God.
There were many things Aaron said in the interviews I read that struck me, but especially this one:

I hope people can see that, take my experience and one man's experience, that nothing makes you happy except for the love of God and the light of God that shines in your heart. And realize that you don't need to be good, you don't need to be together, you don't need to be smart, you don't need to be cool, you don't need to be good looking, you don't need to be confident or you know, successful or rich. You don't need to be any of those things, you just need to be broken and lonely and humble and needy, which all of us are deep down but we just hide it and try and act confident and together. So we come to God broken and then God is the physician, God is the potter. God is the loving healer, the mother and the father and lover of us all, the restorer, the forgiver, the most patient one, the most merciful, the most kind and gentle one. We'll find all we need in God, in God's provision and protection. Not a religious group or going to a church on Sunday, or joining an organization or something like that. In reality, God is the source of love and light and serving others and forgiving others and praying for others and mediating on good things and humbling yourself and not taking yourself too seriously.

I hope this could find others well. I hope some of my friends and family could read this and understand it. Hopefully...

Oh. My.

So I was googling "uterus" because I'm reading about the female reproductive system for my anatomy class and, wow, I came across something FRIGGIN AWESOME!!

I want to keep you in suspense......


......don't think you're ready for it yet....






...alright fine, here it is...but brace yourself because it's just too great!



and scroll down a bit to the tree picture! AAHHHHAHAHA! So Great!!


Knitting blogs + uterus = Crazy Funny!!!!



ok, that is all. I just had to share that. Hope you enjoyed it! :-D

I gotta write about this, if only to remind myself to do something.

Don't you just hate it when you realize that there is something that you have to confront someone about? Yeahh.... There have been a few times where I thought that I should confront a certain person about an issue....and I never have. See, I have this thing where I have to fix/deal with any issues/problems/concerns that I have, especially when it deals with another person. I think it's my problem to deal with. I don't see why if I have the problem, why do I need to involve someone else in it? I'll just deal with it myself! (And I'll be better for it.)
Well see...I've been doing that. With this certain person. And it's all basically the same issue. It keeps coming up however, because they keep talking about it. Ok, wow. I think I'm going to have to tell you it or else you may not get the jist. Alright, here it is: one of my old boyfriends likes to talk about "relationships" (why I used little quoties will come to you in a bit). Without explaining too much about it (well any bit is too much) I'll just try to get you on the same page, or in the same chapter. This guy has an extremely unhealthy view on relationships, doesn't know himself well, and lacks the ability to self-reflect. I fell right in the middle of this. Ok, that sums it up. Good! moving on....
So he likes to talk about girls/sex/marriage...all in very unhealthy, lustful, insubstantial ways...that will (and has..to a few girls) hurt them pretty badly. Now I have come to terms with what is now our relationship and have determined that I will never ever ever get back together with him. So it doesn't affect me in that way. It, pretty simply, just makes me mad. I don't like to hear about someone's extremely unhealthy view on relationships when they are so gung-ho about it. I've tried to talk to him about it a few times....waste of time. It makes me ever madder when I know that this particular view messed me up...for a time much longer than it should have been. I just don't want to hear about this. All I can think about is how his view affected me. And it's still the same view, and it's still affecting other girls.
So, since this keeps coming up, I will have to ask him the favor of refraining from bringing up the subject when I'm around.

P.S. What's up with Blogger not allowing us to use the tab key in this space? Do they not want us to retain our grammar knowledge from grade school? Someone should write to them about that.
P.P.S. I just did.

Ho Hum

I'm sitting here on the couch, trying to plan out how to rearrange my room, however inconsequential these plans may be. Since getting back from Jo's, I've been revived with the strong desire to move out again. Whoop. This ain't gon happen any time soon, yo. But I'm trying yet again to rearrange my room in order to make use of every inch of space I can call mine even though I don't pay for it. Ugh the lack of accomplishment! But I must be patient. But I've been patient. I miss being completely responsible for myself. I just can't afford to do that right now. That is, unless I plan to drop out of school and work at a crummy job the rest of my life. I have better plans for myself. Ok enough complaining. I know a lot of my friends feel the same way.
I've really begun to enjoy knitting recently. I'm kind of addicted to it. I made a few scarves, and now I'm working on a hat...a beanie to be precise. It was supposed to be more of a beret-type...but gimme a break, cut me some slack here bud. I've just started this stuff. :-P I'll probably post some pictures as soon as I'm really proud of what I've done/not too lazy to do so. Who reads this anyway? Jo? Oh yes, Hi Jo! :-D

School starts Wednesday for me. Gym! and Anatomy + Physiology II! It'll be easy. I just want to get into clinicals though. We shall seeee!! :-)
Ok I'll get back to my floorplans.